What to do when one has writer's block
by Calixte Ammonian
Summary: Well, this started out as a case of writer's block but um ha yeah now it's turned into something much more. It kind of combines ffic and romance novels and makes fun of both. Kind of a parody. (We love both but we think it's funny)
1. Passion in the Forest

What to do when you have a severe case of writers block. Lahmp Fondleoza and her boyfriend Joc Strappe took a moonlit stroll along the lush vegetation near the Hogwarts courtyard.  
  
Lahmp was a gorgeous island girl. She wore only neon orange bikinis under her Slytherin robes. She had long curly hair that cascaded down her back in soft ringlets. Her only flaw was that she had HUMONGOUS teeth. Her teeth protruded from her mouth, and there was no magical spell to shrink them because they were a curse. Her boyfriend Joc was equally gorgeous. He had dark handsome eyes, and shaggy blonde hair. He as well had one major flaw. It was his massive belly button. It was a gaping hole, three inches in diameter. The two were perfect for each other.  
  
"Let's talk about SEX baby, Let's talk about you and ME!" Lahmp screamed hornily, quoting a Salt N' Pepper song.  
  
Joc's wand began to levitate, and he eyed her hungrily. They banged like rabbits on top of the lush vegetation, in the middle of the Hogwart's courtyard, until Snape came creeping behind the mating couple.  
  
"Mmmmm," Snape growled huskily.  
  
"MERLIN'S BEARD! ITS SNIVELLY!" Lahmp cried out, but sounding intrigued.  
  
"Just call me Rico SUAVE!" Joc smiled happily, his wand still levitating.  
  
Snape ripped off all of his clothes and began to fondle his throbbing muscle of love. He then stopped and turned to Joc.  
  
"Shall we?" Snape proposed in a deep throaty voice.  
  
Joc nodded and followed Snape into the Forbidden Forest. Lahmp trailed behind, wearing nothing but an amused smirk on her face.  
  
At that exact moment, Harry and Ron came outside, with Hermione floating in front of them.asleep.and NAKED.  
  
Hermione began to stir, and screamed, "RONALD WEASLEY AND HARRY POTTER WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?"  
  
The two smiled maliciously, and kept walking with her floating in front. She struggled and tried to cover her body, and realized she was in a full body bind.  
  
"Well this is provocative," a mysterious voice commented from the darkness.  
  
They all whipped their heads around to locate the TOO HOT TO HANDLE voice.  
  
A devilishly handsome man strutted from the woods, wearing nothing. "Black, Sirius Black that is" he said masculinely.  
  
"SIRIUS HELP ME!!!!" Hermione cried, not noticing his nakedness.(because she's extremely daft)  
  
Sirius grinned and answered, "Oh no Hermione, I have been waiting for this moment, ALL MY LIFE. There's a party in my pants, and I want you to join."  
  
Hermione gasped noticing his sausage. Harry and Ron furrowed their brows and exclaimed, "Get your own sexpot! We found her first."  
  
"Oh, but you didn't boys. Tell them Hermione," Sirius said with an impish grin on his face.  
  
Hermione launched into a song, "YOU'RE too big to fit in HERE!" She pointed at her flower, and then looked at Ron and Harry.  
  
"FINE! We were going to wait to tell you, but Sirius and I have.SEX. All the time. His penis is a dream, the biggest one I've seen. It's oozy and it's green.  
  
" Eww," Ron squealed. "Just kidding," Hermione giggled. Sirius looked annoyed and asked, "So are we going to bang or what? I'll tell you what, Harry, since you are my godson and everything, when I'm done with Hermione, you can give it a whirl."  
  
Hermione looked offended, and opened her mouth to complain, but then smiled at the thought of banging Harry. She thought to her self, "I wonder if Harry's hairy."  
  
All of the sudden a sound of extreme climaxing came from the Forbidden Forest, making all the birds fly from the trees. It was like no sound ever before. It was a deep "Eeehhhh ehhhh eeeeeh!" (sort of like from the girl in Forrest Gump)  
  
They all looked at the forest disgusted. "Sounds like Snivelly's on the rampage," they said in unison, all four of them. The four ran into the forest, looking for this wild beast of passion. They followed the cries of passion, deep into the forest.  
  
When the four finally found him, Lahmp Fondeloza was busy being SNIVELLED, as they liked to call it. Joc was also participating, in the vigorous threesome act.  
  
The other four watched in lust. Sirius began to stroke Hermione's big.hair.(You pervert what kind of story do you think this is?) he glanced down into her HUGE soulful window orbs. She had tears of sexual frustration in them. He whispered softly, "Would you like to join them with me?"  
  
"YES!!! I mean.sure," Hermione looked ecstatic. The two jumped on top of the pile and began humping randomly.  
  
"Hey Harry, "Ron eyed him flirtaciously. Ron bit his lip, and batted his eyelashes playfully.  
  
Harry could do nothing but take a step closer to Ron. "Ron, I have been waiting for this moment all my life, we are only missing one thing." "What Harry? What are we missing? We have everything we need.each other." Harry whipped out his.FIREBOLT, and said, "I've always wanted to play quidditch at night!" And he eyed the broom lovingly. "OH fuck it!!" Ron screamed furiously. "Ok!!" Harry screamed and ripped off Ron's clothes. He then stripped down and the two boys, and the broomstick joined the orgy. The cries of climaxes lasted deep into the night. 


	2. The Next Day

The next day...............  
  
The entire group slowly ambled into the dungeons for potions class.  
  
"Ohhhhhhhh my thighs!" Hermione moaned in pain.  
  
"Oh shutup Hermione, at least Sirius's throbbing muscle of love didn't penetrate your butt orphus," Ron complained with a slight smile on his face.  
  
"You two think YOU have it bad? I was sucking Sirius, fondling Fondeloza, humping Hermione, riding Joc, kissing Snivelly, and spanking Ron.........ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!" Harry concluded.  
  
"Now I know why they call him the boy who lived." Snivelly trailed off.  
  
The entire group sat down in the classroom with tired looks of ecstasy on their faces. The rest of the students filed in, looking at the group in question. Joc took a seat next to Draco Malfoy, and began to fill him in on the nights events. Draco looked at him in shock and screamed, "WHY WASN'T I THERE?!?"  
  
Suddenly a note whizzed across the room to Draco, it was from Hermione.  
  
Dearest Dracky,  
Heard about our time last night? If you'd like to join, stick around after class for a bit of extra credit! If you know what I mean................  
Love always,  
You're little smoochy poo.  
  
Draco grinned and looked up, seeing Snivelly eye him with lust. The lesson continued on, with the entire group, groping themselves under the potions counters. The class was concocting love potions.  
  
"Now carefully stir in 3 cups of bunny spunk, and stir counterclockwise precisely 69 times. Then take the flame to a red hot burning passionate level," Snape instructed.  
  
"Lavender, I think Snape's getting laid.FOR THE FIRST TIME!" Parvati giggled to Lavender, while the rest of the class stared in wonder at Snape.  
  
"Lavender, Parvati, I heard that, stay after class to receive your proper punishments," Snape snapped.  
  
At the end of class, everyone filed out except for Harry, Hermione, Ron, Lahmp, Joc, Malfoy, Sirius(who had been sleeping in the back of the classroom), Lavender, Parvati, and of couse Snivelly.  
  
Snape gently closed the door, and almost as soon as it shut, Remus burst through the door holding Ginny, with an animal passion in his eyes. Remus shut the door with a satisfying thrust.  
  
"I'm glad you could make it Remus........and Ginny,"Snivelly began, "Now, if any of you don't think you can handle us(motioning to Sirius, Remus, and himself), please leave now..with the exception of Lavender and Parvati, they are here on punishment. I will take care of those two myself!"  
  
Lavender and Parvati exchanged horrified looks. The walked over to Snape and began to cry. Snape put a hand on Lavender's breast, and she looked up through her tearful windows to her soul, and moved closer. She reached her hand out and GRABBED HIS ARSE.  
  
"Ohhhhhhhhh Snivelly! BABY GOT BACK!!!!" She shrieked in delight.  
  
Snape put his other hand down Parvati's shirt. She squealed in surprise, but then began to moan.  
  
"Oh god I have a bonger,"Hermione cried out,"RON SUCK ME!"  
  
"Well.I can see it's begun," Sirius commented. He looked at Ginny, and knocked her down onto a table. He thrusted sexually.  
  
"WAIT!!!" Harry screamed out passionately, "What about the bunny spunk potion?"  
  
Remus looked up in surprise, "Snivelly?! You're giving BUNNY SPUNK to 6th years?! You know what that does to your hormones right?!" Snape nodded maliciously and continued to play with Parvati and Lavender.  
  
"Why didn't I realize that before?! Of course! Three cups of bunny spunk stirred in........OH MY! That's no love potion, that's like Viagra for the magical world...only in 20 times multitude!!! Yet...perfectly safe for both sexes," Hermione cried out, flustered.  
  
She grabbed a ladle and downed the entire cauldren. A look of passion overcame her. All the rest except for Remus, drank their own cauldren.  
  
"Why don't you drink it Wolf-boy? Are you scaaaared,"Joc stared questioningly at Remus.  
  
Remus looked over and answered cockily, "Because no one can handle my animal passion. It's already twenty times stronger than that dinky potion. Anyone who thinks they can handle me, come right up."  
  
Hermione dashed to his side and began to unbutton his...................PURSE. She reached for his wand(the real wand, my god you are such a pervert),and cast a birth control spell on the banging bunch of coconuts, in the room.  
  
She jumped on top of Remus hungrily. "Hermione, are you sure you want to go through with this? Once I get started, I find it VERY hard to control my beastly instincts."  
  
"Oh Remus, I'm surer than ever. I've already had SIX orgasms just looking at you.. OHHHHHH OHHHHH OHHHH wait seven." Hermione cried out indignantly.  
  
He ripped off her robe, and they began going at it like animals.  
  
Draco sauntered cockily, over to Snape, "May I take one? I've always wanted to bang a Gryffindor."  
  
Snape threw Parvati off his pulsating muscle of love, and Malfoy caught her in his arms. Malfoy began to undress himself, revealing the most massive levitating wand anyone had ever laid their eyes on..or something else for that matter. It glowed a brilliant green and silver, vibrated wildy, and it lit the entire room. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared in awe. Malfoy began to stroke his own proudly.  
  
"I call him........scruffy," Malfoy said with a deep accent.  
  
Harry squealed in delight, "I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE! MINE GLOWS TOO!" He whipped out his massive, but not as massive as Malfoy's, glowstick. His glowed a vibrant Red and Gold. Gryffindor of course.  
  
Harry opened the broom closet to find, Rita Skeeter listening in on the entire thing, Her quill quickly vanished, being caught in the action.  
  
"And now I will have to punish you, "Harry pulled her into a TIGHT embrace. They began going at it like rabbits.  
  
"But Wait! This is my first time!" Skeeter called out nervously.  
  
"Don't worry, I won't be gentle," Harry breathed heavily.  
  
Lahmp, Ron, and Joc began eyeing eachother lustily. Lahmp conjured a huge cauldren full of green jello. She undressed herself, and beckoned to both boys, as she seductively slipped in. It began to bubble like a hot tub. The two boys ripped off their clothes, and wasted no time in getting in. They began to have a wild threesome, taking turns doing her flower and butt orphus.  
  
All the while, Hedwig, watched from the dungeon window, wishing she were human. 


	3. Quidditch Pitch Bitch

-2 months, 4 days, 3 hours, 34 minutes, and 5 seconds later-  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat around a provocatively shaped table in the Gryffindor common room. Hermione sat hunched over her homework, much like the hunchback of Notre Dame. Harry and Ron were practicing their levitation spells...with Hermione's skirt, unbeknownst to Hermione. They giggled girlishly when they glimpsed her bright maroon granny panties.  
  
Suddenly Hermione noticed a draft around her privates, she sniffed the air cautiously and then looked outraged, "RON!! HARRY!! How dare you?! We have the finals in 3 months and you are sitting around goofing off!"  
  
They both were on the ground laughing and pointing at her crotch. Suddenly an owl burst through the open window and dropped red and gold invitations into each of their crevices.  
  
Each said the same,  
I am pleased to inform you that you are one of the select few to have been invited to this special event, a private match of Quidditch that will last all night. You will be excused from all classes the next day. Wear your best, and bring equipment for all "weather". I expect you to be on your absolute best behavior because a documentary will be made of this showing Hogwart's finest. This event will take place 3 hours after you receive this letter. Hope to see you there!  
Yours Truly,  
Big D(the HEADmaster)  
  
The trio ran into a secret passage leading from the Gryffindor common room to Draco's private bedroom, and ruptured into the entryway only to find Draco laying flat on the ground doing cock pushups...NAKED(When you lay down flat on the ground and let your boner lift you up off the ground) Harry and Ron turned green with envy while Hermione almost drowned herself in her own puddle of drool. Draco lifted himself with his cock and then posed sexily against his bed.  
  
Hermione and Ron stared lustfully at his member, while Harry tore his eyes away in time to ask Draco, "Did you get this?" holding up his invitation.  
  
Draco nodded and held up his, exactly identical, except silver and green, "I don't know what Big D thinks he's doing, but father says he had one of these things in his day too."-  
  
"Yeah, but what is it?" Ron questioned, tearing his gaze away from Draco's schlong.  
  
"Well, all father said is that it's a "special Quidditch match," Draco commented lazily while petting his pet...snake (God you're a sicko the real one you know, that slithers and stuff and uhh has a tongue. Oh god your dirty.)  
  
After conversing a while longer with the hot creature from planet hotpants, the dream team went back to their dormitories to change into their "outfits" Hermione emerged donning a polka dotted pink bikini thong, and a Gryffindor robe draped casually over her shoulder. Harry sported tight spandex stretch pants, in red with golden lilllies. Ron wore a gold speedo with a red Gryffindor emblem on the butt.  
  
Ginny scampered down the stairs, and Ron looked at her in disgust, "YOU were invited, and WHAT are you wearing you little slut?"  
  
She grinned down at her attire. She wore a black see through lace negligee with a lacy red and gold thong underneath,(it was crotchless)  
  
They clambered through the secret portal into Draco's dimension, and all giggled at his "costume". Draco wore a grass skirt, ONLY a grass skirt. He did the hula, and they could see scruffy peaking out.  
  
And the crowd went wild.  
  
All of the sudden a very naked and wet(from water you freak) Johnny Depp apparated into the room, and started singing, LIKE A VIRGIN, a popular song by Madonna. He looked around at his surroundings and a very confused look came over his face. "Whoa, wrong set. This is NOT my shower scene." In the next moment he apparated out of the room.  
  
"THAT WAS JOHNNY DEPP!!!" Hermione squealed in disbelief. "Uhhh who?" the other three asked in unison. "JOHNNY FUCKING-DEPP" She whipped out her handy dandy scrapbook that she kept up her ass, and showed them magazine clippings of the popular actor. "He's sexy," Ginny whispered passionately.  
  
They had a moment of silence to honour his sexiness, and then they proceeded out to the Quidditch pitch...bitch.  
  
A/N: Johnny Depp can defy Hogwarts rules of no apparation, because you know HES JOHNNY FUCKING DEPP. As Hermione would put it. He's too hot for rules. 


	4. The Impenetrable Love Seat

The Impenetrable Love Seat

(Let us take you away from the story for just a while and fill you in on the history of the Impenetrable Love Seat. I swear it ties together, just read.)

Once upon a time in a far away land called Wallmar (this is in no relation to the store Walmart) there was a Love Seat. Now, this was no regular Love Seat. This Love Seat had supernatural powers...like the kind you see on television or in the movie....only BETTER. Everyone was afraid of this Love Seat, so they banished him to another faraway land called Caucasia. It got money by working at an unknown fast food restaurant called McGonagalds. Finally after working its seat off, the Love Seat rented an unfurnished room sitting in the middle of the restaurant. (It makes sense in our mind, don't question the prodigies.) It let a sad depressed life, and no one would talk to it or be its friend. One day it was taking a walk in a back alley(it wasn't allowed in parks) and it encountered a young man with greasy hair aiming his wand towards the wall and crying(It had nothing to aim at) (next paragraph)

The boy whirled around, "Ehhhhh what a lovely ride. You're so sexy it hurts"

He broke into Lord of the Dance and stripped off all of his "clothing". The Love Seat quivered in fear and backed up against a cement bush.

In a deep husky voice, the young man said "Come on pussy, p-p-p-pussy cat."

He came into the light revealing his waxy pale complexion. IT WAS SNIVELLY!!!!!!! He was at the tender age of eighteen. The Love Seat was frozen in place. (Snivelly had cast a spell on it...with his other wand) Snape clambered awkwardly on top of the Love Seat and attempted to thrust. It didn't work.

"WHY DON'T YOU WORK??" Severus screamed in teenaged angst.

The Love Seat started softly crying.

"Y-you can see my powers?"

"What are you talking about you worthless piece of upholstery?"

"Fourscore and Seven years ago I was dating a recliner...and boy did he have a mouth like a hoover...I mean. Well ANYWAY, we were dating, and he asked me to marry him. I laughed and said HELL NO BIAAAATCH. So then he cursed me to be impenetrable to my true love. The only way this curse can be broken...is marriage. This must mean...Y-O-U are my true love."

TO BE CONTINUED....(more to come later randomly throughout this story)

And yes we know this chapter is INCREDIBLY short, but you know what? Today is Katie's birthday so it's ok. (Katie is one of the authors in case you were wondering...I am Leah.) Thank You.


	5. Quidditch Pitch BitchPart II

DISCLAIMER: We don't own harry potter…just all the merchandise.

A/N: A special thanks to our "fans"(I don't know if its called fans when there are only like 3) but its ok because it means EVERYTHING to us. You rock our world. For real. So um we're really sorry we didn't write like we were supposed to, but we have short attention spans and are quite easily distracted. But ANYWAY back to the point. Wait, was there a point? Hmm yeah ok, Enjoy!!! 3 Leah and Katie

Quidditch Pitch Bitch continued

The Dynamic trio, Draco, and Ginny curiously stepped onto the Quidditch Pitch….bitch. The field was swarmed with pink sparkly bubbles, and in the center a "diverse" crowd had gathered all dressed in their own unusual attire. Harry turned crimson in the face to see C-ho C-hang "dressed" in body paint representing her Ravenclaw colors. Sirius and Snape eyed each other in disgust as they both realized they were wearing the same exact pair of girly tight leather pants from the cheap and slightly trashy clothing store, "Rave". Sirius stripped his off immediately to reveal a tassled banana hammock. Before Harry could finish evaluating everyone's outfits, a piercing whistle silenced the crowd. He followed the sound only to see Dumblydoor…dressed in a completely metallic black and white striped body suit.

"I suppose you all are wondering why you are gathered here. Well, I suppose now is the time to explain. We spent months pondering over who to invite. Then came the selection of the teams. I'm going to put you into two teams, and then explain the rules. Alright Team 1 consists of Draco Hotfoy, Ronald Easy, Ginny Extra-easy, Sirius Black, C-ho C-hang, Luna Goodlover, and Fred SUPERDUPEReasy. Team two will be Hermione Granger, Harry Pothead, Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, Panty Parkinsonsdisease, George not-so-easy, and Madam Cooch…I mean Hooch. Go stand with you're team mates as I explain the rules. The game will proceed as a normal Quidditch game…except there will be a few minor changes or additions to the rules.. In the case that you are…."aroused" there will be penalties. Your broomsticks will have sensors that will go off to let us know. The 1st offense is a special reprimanding from yours truly. In the case of a 2nd offense, you will be required to remove all of your clothing. Now in the not so rare case of a 3rd offense," he threw Harry a meaningful glance," you are to be 'gang-banged' by everyone participating immediately following the Quidditch match. Also for each offense, you're team will lose 10 points. You may now proceed to gather in your teams for a quick strategic meeting. The games will begin in exactly 10 minutes."

Sirius motioned for his teammates to gather around him, "I proclaim myself captain because I'm better. Now to keep yourselves from being…aroused…imagine Argus Filch in a pink string bikini…that is see-through. Draco and Fred, you can be the beaters; Ron Ginny and Luna, chasers; C-ho, seeker; and I will be the goalie."

They all nodded in agreement, and began to mount their brooms.

Snape sneered at Sirius while discreetly checking out his enormous banana-hammock. "Everyone gather around the master of potions, " Snape called snidely to his team. All sporting similar frightened looks, they gathered round.

Panty called out to Snape, "OH MY GAWD I TOTALLY HAVE THOSE PANTS!! THEY WERE ON SALE AT RAVE!!! MY FAVORITE STORE!"

He gave her a look full of dull rusty daggers, but proceeded to assign the positions. It turned out as follows: George and Panty, the beaters; Lupin Cooch and Hermione, Chasers; the Wonder-bra who lived, seeker; and Snape as the keeper of my…I mean the keeper in the Quidditch game. AHEM. Back to the story line.

The two teams gathered in the center of the field, ready to begin the game.

"Now I know in most Quidditch games it is proper to shake hands with the opposing captain, but I think in this special game it would be more appropriate to smack each others arses…Captains if you will please," Dumbledude proclaimed.

Sirius strutted to the center of the field like he was on a catwalk and begin to sing in a really deep voice, "I'm a model you know what I mean. I do my little turn on the catwalk.. Yeah, on the catwalk. On the catwalk, yeah. I shake my little toush on the catwalk." Snape rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath in a jealous angsty rage. He attempted to mimic Sirius by attempting to strut. It looked like a sick and twisted combination of a lame duck and a midget with one leg. The athletes all snickered under their breath. As they met halfway in the center of the field, Sirius reached a hand out and gave Snape's plump ass a firm grasp. Snape squealed in delight, but then quickly scowled to hide his true feelings. He gave Sirius a quick pat in return and marched off defiantly. Dumbledousche blew his rod-shaped whistle and shouted, "LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!"

The game started out normal with no sexual occurances. This lasted a total of about ten minutes and thirty-seven seconds. That was when the "incident" happened. The score was still tied 0-0. Cooch was soaring towards Sirius with the waffle in her hands. Draco came soaring in from above, attempting to steal the waffle, (he had a bottle of syrup in his arms). She hid the waffle inside her flower, but it was too late. Draco knocked her knockers out of her seashell bra by accident. His broom began to vibrate violently. Then it shouted, "FIRST OFFENSE FIRST OFFENSE! REPORT TO DUMBLEDUNG IMMEDIATELY!!!" Big D sat coyly on the sidelines waiting to reprimand the offender. Draco gulped nervously, and then began to hack up the hairball he accidentally swallowed. It landed on Big D's lap.

"I believe you dropped something young Master Malfoy, but that is irrelevant. For your punishment you will receive 50 spankings from my newest invention, the spanking machine. I call him Mr. Spanky for short. Now be a good boy and do it bare-bottom."

Draco shyly revealed his arse by shimmying out of his…coverings. All of the sudden brooms began vibrating wildly from all over. Dumbledick chuckled to himself, "Alright, alright everyone line up for your reprimandings. Snape I believe you were first."

After the "incident" the game of Quidditch was soon forgotten. Although screams of, "SCOOOOOOOORE!" did echo throughout the night. The "game" lasted until the early sun began to break the horizon. They all stared in awe as the streaks of macaroni and cheese colored the sky. It glistened like a freshly popped zit, and they all let out contented sighs.

As they all ambled back to their dormitories, Snape threw Sirius a sly grin and raised an eyebrow. Sirius returned the look and they ran off together while giggling like school-girls. They headed for Snape's private deluxe bedroom. They had a lot of make up sex to do. All those years of fighting led to a lot of passion. Lupin cast a sad look at his former sexpot(Sirius) and looked down at the ground. He felt a hand on his arse, and turned around in shock.

"I was hoping for a bit more animal passion," Cooch said seductively. Lupin grinned and began to wag his tail rapidly. They frolicked back to the school. The rest of the students just shook their heads in disappointment. They had not yet learned Stamina Charms. Immediately upon return to their beds, they all collapsed in exhaustment.

-End OF quidditch pitch….BITCHES.


	6. Suck My Battleship

Suck My Battleship

Disclaimer: Johnny Depp is hot. Leah is squishing her cheese into a cheese sculpture because she's icky. Ya know. Don't sue us. We do not own any of the HPness. (say HP ness fast. Then laugh.)

Hermione, Ron and Harry wandered slowly into the Great Hall for dinner, still exhausted from the previous day's events. They sat across from Seamus and Dean at the Gryffindor table and began to gobble down food. Ron was rather spacey and began sculpting some spare cheese into a rather curious looking shape. Harry raised a quizzical eyebrow at him, "What _is_ that?"

"Umm duuuh it's a BATTLESHIP," Ron responded huffily. He then began to throw seductive glances at Hermione as he entered the battleship between his lips.

"RON!" she exclaimed, and discreetly snuck some cheese into her spare robe pocket for later use.

Suddenly Dumbledore's voice rang through the hall,

"Students, and my dear staff, I am pleased to announce that beginning tomorrow, Hogwarts will be offering a new mandatory elective. It has been brought to my attention that recently there have been a vast number of injuries from improperly preformed sexual activated, and there has been an alarming number of underage wizards and witches becoming pregnant." Everyone in the Great Hall stared at Dumbledore as if he had grown an extra penis.

Magonagally kept her face in a tight scowl during the entire announcement and kept shaking her head in disgust. All of the sudden she let out a shrill cry,

"OH! Hagrid that's the 200004th time you've wedgied me today, would you STOP that!?"

Hagrid giggled delightfully and made his way back to his seat at the STAFF table.

Dumbledore cleared his throat loudly (but not like Umbridge) and continued his speech, "All students at 4th year and up will attend this class. The teachers who will be leading these classes will be myself, Mrs. Hoitty toitty tightwad I mean Magonergal, and Professor Severe Rape."

Magonster(the teacher, the strict one) raised her eyebrows so high high high they touched the sky sky sky and didn't come back back back till the fourth of July.(July 16, 2005 by the way, HP6!!!!! WOOOO ahem)

"Pardon me?! You mean to say that I will be involved in these….activities?" She gave Dumbledousche the most enraged look EVER.

He smiled coyly at her and nodded, "YES!"

Snape eyed Mineeeeeeeeerva and batted his eyelashes.

She turned beat red and turned away quickly (SEMICOLON) shyly.

----A/N: We couldn't decide if we wanted to use quickly or shyly because we wanted to use both so um yeah anyway----

"Minni-poo, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. I am in LOVE with you…you know, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket," Snape proclaimed.

She gagged and barfed under the table into the spare barf bag that they kept under there…in cause you know…someone had to barf. Regaining her colour, she sat up straight and gave a curt nod to Dumbledore to continue.

As Dumbledore began to announce their schedule; Hermione, Ron and Harry bent their heads together to discuss this upcoming class.

"I for one, think this is the greatest idea since S.P.E.W. So many pupils have found themselves in bad situations with underage pregnancies," She threw a dirty look at Lavender and continued," It's really starting to get disgusting. I'm sick of everyone coming to me for abortions. Honestly, are contraceptive charms THAT hard? I mean, I learned how to keep the bun out of the oven when I was eleven."

Ron and Harry let out loud snorts at this metaphor and tuned her out as she babbled on about buns and ovens.

"Good Morning pupils, Welcome to Sexual Education, with a twist" Dumbledore began gleefully as he pulled down the shades of the classroom. "Today you will learn about the importance of the proper way to er… 'stuff the beaver. If you know what I mean." He added a wink and continued, "the curriculum will consist of contraceptive charms, how to detect STD's, and erm………..positions," he mumbled the last word quietly and cleared his throat loudly.

"Erm, what was that professor? I didn't quite catch the last part of the curriculum," Hermione lifted her head from her note taking questioningly.

"POSITIONS!" Dumbledore shouted out sounding a bit disgruntled. Hermione turned beat red in response and hastily scrawled out the word positions in her Harry Potter© note book.

Dumbledore gave Maggynol a tentative push towards the front of the classroom, and immediately she launched into super teacher mode. She began to lecture on contraceptive charms and the pros and cons to each one.

Walking out of the class Ron turned to Harry, "Urgh, I didn't think it was possible to make sex stuff boring. But Professor Maggotnol sure knows how to ruin it for a teenaged wizard with lots of raging hormones."

Hermione giggled at the word hormone and replied, "Well I thought it was very informative and useful. Lord knows we can't have any more mini Cho Chang's running around."

Harry looked away quickly and began whistling innocently. Hermione and Ron looked at him accusingly.

"Hey, I had nothing to do with that. Don't look at me like that. So? Yeah ok whatever, just because they all have glasses and lightning bolt scars on them does NOT mean they are mine," Harry yelled huffily.

LATER THAT NIGHT

"Are you there?" a dark voice whispered huskily into the night.

"Yes," a timid one answered in reply, "Oh Sirius, can we do this? I don't think I can bear to keep it a secret anymore. I feel so passionately for you."

"Love, you know we have to. It is the ONLY way. Now kiss me bitch."

The two embraced tenderly and he started ravaging her face. He slowly slipped off her cardboard box, as she began to unbutton his kilt.

-scene fades into sex…hot hot hot hot hot sex that only SIRIUS BLACK could have with a secret lover- ;-)

A/n: Who is Sirius's secret lover? Will we ever find out? Probably not, but maybe so. So umm that's it for this chapter. Ummm yeah? Stay tuned for next time? Eh no that's lame. Ok whatever, bye.


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